I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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