Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
