woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
