but the lizard people decide everything anyway
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
