Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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