hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
