who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
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