my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
