I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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