FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
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