The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
