Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
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