I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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