You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
Randomize
