Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
