Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
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