You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Omg the world wants us to be better people
I refuse
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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