Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
Randomize
