I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Randomize
