My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Randomize