I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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