textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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