afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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