i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
