I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize