He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
