the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
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