I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize