i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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