How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
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