Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
cat food counts as protein by the way
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize