I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
