I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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