You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
Randomize
