Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
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