I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
