I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
