she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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