i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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