maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
Randomize
