I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
