what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
she was braiding my hair and singing forever young while she vommed everywhere at the same time. Talent.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Randomize
