If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
And my parents said I crawled through the house
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
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