I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
My orgasm happened in two different decades
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
