I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
