i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize