I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Pants are for mortals
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