my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
You took a bar mat shot.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Randomize
