Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
New fuck buddy and long time fuck buddy are carpooling home for thanksgiving. #10hrconvoaboutmyblowjobskills
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Randomize
