The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
Randomize
