I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
