Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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