Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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