Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
