yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize